Wednesday, April 14, 2010

When they give you know you are hurting!

Last night was truly the longest night of my life.  I didn't sleep but about 15 minutes here and there.  It ended in an IV with Morphine for the pain, an anti-spasmodic, and a medical clinic with some hilarious stories about a Lieutenant Colonel that came in with severe stomach cramps.

Now lets back up...

Yesterday our school finally had its inspection by the Iraqi Ministry of Defense.  This is one of those inspections that they had been preparing for weeks to pass.  Officers get fired over these kind of the past maybe even beheaded.  So it was a Big Deal!  Anyway, the inspection went well.  And, about 1300 (like clockwork) the power goes out for the day.  Anyway, as we say goodbye to the inspectors, the Brigadier invites us to take lunch there at the school with them.  Now when I here lunch with them at the school, I think a bunch of officers standing around the table eating with their hands, bonding...mistake number 1.  This was the normal lunch that they prepare for the soldiers down at the barracks, but, because the inspection went so well, he invited the soldiers and students to eat there at the school.  Now this is a big deal...since he normally only feeds the higher ranking officers there at the school when they are students...definitely NOT the Jundi (privates).  So I had to accept.  It was dark (remember that the power was off), so I didn't really see what I was eating until it was too late...Curried Vegetables with Lamb and rice served with Pita bread.  Now, normally, I wouldn't think twice about eating this.  Usually, when we have the big officer circle and eat with our hands, it is commercially prepared, so no worries.  This stuff was prepared in the barracks...the place who's pumps don't work while the power is cut off.  Who knows how they wash the food, let alone the hands that stir the stuff (yes, I said hands (and maybe arms,too)).

So here I am, about 1800 last night and I decide that it is time for dinner.  My stomach is a little sore at this point, so I decided a trip to the latrine was in order.  All comes out off to feed.  I have a few wings and some potatoes, but by this point, I am not feeling to good.  I decide it is best to get closer to home porcelain (my latrine).  Well, about 30 trips to the latrine later and I am about ready to pass out from the pain in my stomach.  Apparently the stomach and intestines were spasm-ing so bad that my muscles physically ached.  That, plus the crap in my stomach, plus the acid, plus the fact that I could not get comfortable...meant no sleep.  And, just before I decided that it was time to get to the clinic...I get to throwing up.  I couldn't believe that there was anything left in there to throw up!  And, to top it off, it tasted exactly like Chardonnay.  NO KIDDING!  I forgot to mention that I received a package last night from my father that had another 5 pound bag of Gummi Bears in it.  I don't care how bad my stomach hurts...I have to at least have a handful of the yummi little bears.  So I am thinking that Gummi Bears, plus water, plus stomach acid, shaken well = a Chardonnay like liquid.  It smells like it anyway.

So I get to the clinic, and no sooner did I sign in my weapon than I have to get to throwing up again.  Barely made it to a bed pan...more Chardonnay.  I am going to have to figure out how to make this stuff some other way!  Anyway, the specialist that is there actually asked me if I had been drinking, it really smelled like wine!  Anyway, it takes her about 10 minutes to get the IV in me, and there is blood squirting everywhere.  I can't sit still because the pain is so severe, and she can't figure out which arm to put the thing in, all my veins are was quite a site.  I was pretty popular at this point.  I guess everyone wanted to see the Big baby LTC.  But, I knew that I couldn't get any meds until that IV went in, so I forced myself to lay close to still.  It took the morphine about 45 seconds to start taking affect (about 44 seconds too long, in my opinion); and, about 2 minutes to have a calming affect on me.  After that, just trying to draw blood became an issue die the collapsed vein thing.  Anyway, X-rays and blood work later and they are finally hearing horses again.  Doctors always have to eliminate the zebras and the ponies.  Anyway they finally sent me home with 48 hour bed rest, some anti-nausia medicine, some amodium ad, and some Tylenol.  No more morphine.

I feel much better now.  Too bad I didn't have a camera with me, or this would have been funny to post.

I hope that your day, whomever you are, went better than mine!

Later Gators...


  1. Jeff, My non-medical opinion on the cause of the Chardonnay effect is the large quantity of Monster you ingest. The sweet, syrupy beverage must act like a fermenting agent in your system. I hope you're feeling better.

  2. Unless I am able to store Blue Monster for more than a day, I doubt it was the Monster. Did not have any that day. I am sure it was the Gummi Bears on Acid...stomach acid, that is. All better now, except I am watching what (and where) I eat.